The Beard

"When I was 5 At Vacation Bible school we walked over to the field at St Jacobs Elementary school for 'games'. I...had a bowl cut. Pastor Harold was explaining the game, walks up behind me puts his hands on my head and says "Now let's say this little boy was a pig". Everyone laughed cause they all knew I was a girl. I vowed to never cut my hair short again. Lo and behold when I was 16 I somehow thought it would be a good idea to try it again........

Oh, I think I was even wearing a name tag"

It's been a while...

"...i have a gigantic family. so when my grandma and grandpa decided to take alllll 8 of us out for pizza hut, it was a BIG DEAL. i guess we all got a little crazy because of this treat... especially maryellen who took the all-you-can-eat desert bar a little too seriously and ate an entire bowl of caramel sauce, and ended up puking butloads in the bathroom (to the horror of a wee girl scout bystander who i think ended up puking herself). Me and maggie were awful snotty whiny children in the first place, crying the whole time... so with all of this i guess my poor grandparents decided to take the pizza to go, and placed it on a chair which my mom promptly sat on after helping maryellen recover from her puke fest. anyway, it was years before we ever went out for dinner as a family again."

The Missing Link

"So, my parents have the bouge-iest dog ever, and treat it as such. One day, while buying the most asininely over priced designer dog food known to man, my mom is given a few sample treats, one of which happens to be an individually wrapped mini sausage thing.

Months go by, and this lone sausage snack migrates to the back of my parents fridge. My mom has been too busy to buy groceries, and my dad is...hungry. He eats what he thinks is something fancy, probably from Vincenzo's, and goes about his day, thinking only to himself "whoa, that was really salty". No one would have noticed anything, had he not left the empty wrapper on the counter.

To borrow a line from Shit My Dad Says,

"So what I ate dog food. I ate fucking dog food and it was great, I WILL NOT BE SHAMED BY THIS!"

The end."